The Family Lists: Marriage

Several years ago, as I was teaching United Methodist Pastors in Uganda, some of the pastors asked about family relationships, and especially marriage. I have always felt as though my marriage was the second most important commitment in my life (the first being my commitment to Christ). The questions caused me to begin to systematize my thinking about some specific marriage pointers. Through the ensuing years the list has changed, and I am sure that it will continue to evolve and develop, but here is what my marriage list looks like today. I call it the “steps to affair-proof your marriage.”

· Always follow God’s law. This is almost too obvious. If we do what God says, we will not have problems with fidelity.

· Always keep all of your promises. When a person gets married they promise things like, “keep only unto,” and “cleave only.” If you keep your promises, you will remain faithful.

· Never be alone with a person of the opposite sex in a tempting situation. Let there never be an opportunity for temptation to take root in your life. Avoid everything that has the potential for danger.

· Confess all temptation to your spouse. When you have a tempting encounter, do not let that temptation grow in secret. Share it. Be honest. The temptation will be less when you are not harboring it in private.

· Make yourself unavailable to the opposite sex. Make sure that everyone in your circle of acquaintance and influence is aware that you are completely off-limits. Announce to others and make it clear that you are happily married. Do it often. Remind others- and yourself- that you are not in the market for anyone else.

· Make rules for when you argue with your spouse. There should be limits to your anger and upset. Do not say things that you do not mean. Do not intentionally hurt your spouse. And then, when you have made the rules, be sure to live by them.

• Always put your partner first. Be willing to compromise in conflict. Be the first to apologize in a time of hurt. Advance the needs and desires of your spouse above your own.

The Family Lists: Wives

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. Ephesians 5.22

We began this series of “family lists” with a look at the biblical directives for husbands. I began with husbands because, as a husband, I feel like I have a little bit of experience in that area. It occurs to me now that I have been married to a pretty good wife for almost 23 years. I have a good idea about what makes her great and where she could use some improvement. But most importantly, I know what the Bible has to say.

One more disclaimer before we get to the list. There has been a lot of injustice done to women through the years. A lot of the oppression and inequality that women have been subjected to has come from men who are quoting the Bible. I pray that I do not continue that pattern. My prayer is that wives may be liberated by learning the truth of their position in God’s economy.

• Wives are to love their husbands and be committed to them (Ephesians 5.22). Submission should be understood as voluntarily considering and following the wishes of the husband who loves the wife.
• Submission is to be only to the husband. This does not mean that women must submit to men.
• Husbands and wives are to work as a team (Ep 5.30-31). Although their positions and roles are not them same, they are complementary. Wives are not inferior or weaker than their husbands.
• Wives are committed to their husbands for as long as they live (1 Corinthians 7.39). There is no allowance in Scripture for no-fault divorces. Marriages are to last forever.
• Husbands and wives are to keep themselves pure for one another. Additionally, there is a requirement that they not withhold “affection” from one another (1 Corinthians 7.2-3).
• There is a truth here that says, in essence, that husbands and wives are obligated to one another in physical ways.
• Wives are to lovingly exercise authority over their husbands (1 Corinthians 7.4). Additionally, they are to lovingly receive the authority that their husbands have over them.
• There is a great image throughout the New Testament that pictures the church as the Bride of Christ. This is a wonderful picture that helps us to understand the intimacy of followers of Jesus with our Lord, and of the love and commitment that husbands and wives should have for one another.

None of this deals with the seemingly problematic passages about women teaching in church, or being responsible for the Fall in the Garden of Eden. Although those are important passages in the context of the topic at hand, they are beyond the scope of this specific list. Another time we will deal with the place of men and women in the body of Christ. For now, suffice it to say that women/ wives are special in the church, in the home and to their husbands.

The Family Lists: Husbands

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. Ephesians 5.25

Although sometimes I believe that we do a disservice to the idea of family by exalting a cultural definition of it as a biblical norm, there can be no doubt that families are important to the development, growth and stability of individuals, groups and societies in the world. We learn how to behave, cooperate and grow in the context of a family. Therefore, whether my particular family group is “normal” or “dysfunctional,” my family is the most important group in my life. And if that is true, I (and you as well) ought to have an idea what the Bible says about how family members should get along with one another. To that end, I offer a series of lists- The Family Lists. And because I know the role of husband as well as any of them, I start there.

Biblical suggestions for husbands:

• Husbands are to love their wives (Ep. 5.25). Wives are not to be taken for granted, but are to be cherished, respected and cared for. In fact, the love of a husband for his wife should be similar to the love of Christ for the church. Would you die for your wife?
• Husbands are to support and build their wives (Ep. 5.26-27). Husbands should be making their wives better people. Celebrate with your wife. Encourage her. Be her greatest cheerleader.
• Husbands are to love their wives like they love themselves (Ep. 5.28-29). Take care of your wife like you take care of your own grooming, appearance, health and exercise.
• Husbands should love their wives more than anything else. You should exalt your wife over your parents and their family, your job, your car, home or anything else.
• Husbands should not be bitter or resentful to their wives (Colossians 3.19). It is easy to blame someone else for everything that goes wrong. Do not do it. Take responsibility for yourself and be kind to your wife.
• Husbands are to be careful about how they handle their family (1 Timothy 3.12). Do not let your role in the family lead to an embarrassment from other members of the family.
• Husbands are to be spiritual leaders in the family (1 Corinthians 14.35). Do not take this responsibility lightly. There is nothing feminine about being a spiritual example for your children, your spouse, for others. Be careful to always do what God asks. To this end…
  o Be an example in prayer.
  o Be diligent in worship.
  o Let your family see you study the Bible.
  o Encourage faithfulness to God among all members of the family.

Husbands have a difficult and important role to fulfill. It is not a job for the uncommitted or haphazard. This is a task for strong men of character who long to fulfill God’s purposes.

Gifts and Objects

Recently I have come to truly appreciate the online community of social networking. I have connected with old friends from high school and college. I have met new people with similar interests and hobbies. I have networked with colleagues and associates in ways that were previously impossible.

I have a Facebook page and a lot of friends. I keep a MySpace page, although I am much less faithful to it than I used to be. I also blog (as you well know). All of these things have been good for me. It lends some discipline to my life. All of this online activity has had a further, and unexpected, positive effect on me as well. It has caused me to expand my ministry.

Several weeks ago a friend from high school emailed me and asked for me to pray for his ill father. Just a couple of weeks ago another friend- this time from college- contacted me to ask that I pray for his wife who was going through a cancer scare. I think that this sort of "prayer requesting" is a great use of new social media. And when someone makes this sort of request of me I do not feel used or taken advantage of. I truly believe that that is why I am here.

You see, I believe that people are gifts to be cherished, not objects to be used. Our world has too often turned that around. We use people to our advantage. We get what we can from them and then we move on. We resist making any sort of emotional attachment so that the separation that is bound to come will not be painful.

We see this in the high divorce rate. Individuals within a marriage use one another and then leave. It is a commitment-phobic world that we live in. We know that someone will use us, so we work really hard to use them first. This is all so wrong!

You and I ought to work to change this. We should cherish people, all people. We need to love and value others whether they help us or not. Whether we can use them, or get something from them, we are to be gracious, loving, forgiving and accepting to people.

I am going to cherish as many people as I can today. How about you?

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Reviewing Revolutionary Road

The Sam Mendes film, Revolutionary Road, was a darling for the awards season last year. Kate Winslet, the director’s wife, was excellent in the film and was duly rewarded for her work. Leonardo DiCaprio came up award-less, but was effective in the film as well.

DiCaprio and Winslet play a young married couple in a suburban neighborhood that seems to do little more than stifle their passions, their creativity, their love for one another and their dreams. They are trapped and cannot see a way out.

This couple seems trapped- no, they are trapped. They are popular with their neighbors. He has a good job and although he hates his work, he is in line for a great promotion. They are young, attractive, successful. Everything certainly seems perfect in their world, but neither is happy. Their unhappiness manifests itself in their frustrations with their lives. She longs to be an actress. He wants to be free. And ultimately they are both miserable. They would be miserable alone, but they are miserable together and with each other.

There are lots of problems here.

• To begin with, I was shocked at how casually both partners engage in illicit relationships. There seem to be no doubts, no reservations and no regrets on the part of either. If this is how real people really think, no wonder there are so many marriages in trouble today.
• The most significant issue of the movie, and the marriage, is that neither partner is capable, or maybe willing, to communicate with the other. They make decisions without talking about them or their consequences. The marriage disintegrates because no one is willing to deal with truth, or real emotions.
• The only reasonable and truthful person in this movie is the person who is viewed as mentally unstable. Even though he is emotionally unbalanced and recently released from an asylum, he is the only “normal” person in the movie.
• The issue of abortion is dealt with in this film. I will not disclose too much here because I do not want to spoil the plot, but there are seriously ethical questions about what are acceptable ways of escape from a bad situation.

Revolutionary Road is a good movie, but it is very sad. There are not a lot of positive messages or hopeful thoughts. It is worth watching, but it is not easy or uplifting.

A Model Marriage

Christie Brinkley has been on television more in the last few days than she has been in the last 20 years. Where has she been? What has she been doing?

Oh, sure, there are those abdominal exercise machine info-mercials that she has been doing with Chuck Norris, but you know that's not what I mean. We have seen the lovely Christie going into court, coming out of court and talking about her time in court. The press is offering us Christie Brinkley as the misused and neglected wife in what appears to be sordid divorce proceeding.

There is no doubt that the marriage had problems. And I am fairly confident that it should end. There was extravagant use (abuse?) of pornography. There were affairs with teen-agers. Life was hard in the Cook- Brinkley house.

Before I go any further, let me assure you that I have no sympathy with Peter Cook, Brinkley's soon to be ex-husband. For whatever reason he felt it necessary to spend thousands of dollars on pornography, with and without his wife. He also had an affair with an 18 year old girl and then paid her hundreds of thousands of dollars to keep quiet about it. There is a fine line between adultery and prostitution, and an even finer line between an affair and child sexual abuse. No, this is man is not innocent.

However, let's not be too quick to paint Christie Brinkley as the victim. She has been an admitted participant in at least some of her husband's pornography viewing. Not only that, she is on her fourth divorce. I believe that there are times when people get in bad marriages and need to get out. I fully support those who have been mistreated and abused and their desire for freedom from maltreatment. But let's be very careful about calling someone a martyr or a heroine who has four failed marriages. This person needs to get some wisdom before her next trip down the aisle.

I know a couple who just celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary. I wish that they got as much attention as a flamboyant Hollywood couple's divorce.

A Threat to Marriage??

For about 30 years Tony Campolo has been a favorite of mine. I remember the first time I heard him speak, he preached his famous "It's Friday, but Sunday's a-Comin'" sermon. Later, he spoke at Taylor University while I was a student there. I will never forget his dramatic, controversial use of profanity. I was changed forever (in a good way). Since then I have read many of Campolo's books. I have heard him speak several more times, listened to his tapes and watched his videos. I have tried to follow his career/ministry on a pretty consistent basis.

That's why I was so excited when Campolo did an interview with Stephen Colbert on the Colbert Report a few weeks ago. I was watching the program and Campolo just showed up. What a wonderful surprise. And then, like he has done so many times before, Tony Campolo wrecked my life.

Here is what he said; "Homosexuality is not a threat to marriage, divorce is." Did you get that? I have always had reservations about the anti-homosexual position that many evangelical Christians hold. I do believe that homosexual activity is sinful in the eyes of God. But, at the same time, I believe that all people are created in the image of God. God loves all people equally, no matter what their lifestyle choices. I am uncomfortable with many of the political positions that Christians take in this area.

If God loves my gay brother as much as he loves me, should I hate him? Shouldn't I love him and show him love?

And isn't it completely possible that you and I (and a lot of other people as well) have ruined the God-created and ordained institution of marriage? Don't we corrupt marriage when we diminish the significance of extra-marital sex? Don't we decrease the importance of marriage when we accept unmarried people living together? When we look the other way as couples are divorced don't we lessen the integrity of marriage?

And so, let us realize the hypocrisy of accusing the pro-homosexual elements of the political world of endangering marriage. Collectively, we have endangered marriage. By what we have done and by what we have left undone we have created (or at least allowed) a crisis in the USA. Let's not blame someone else. We did this. I wonder if we would even be considering civil unions for gays if we had not already been treating marriage with such contempt.

Let there be no mistake; I am not making a case for the acceptance of civil unions. I am making a case for the reclamation of marriage and sexuality, as God intended it to be.

Love and Marriage??

I just read an article about Randy and Paula White. http://charismamag.com/display.php?id=15932 The Whites are somewhat famous as televangelists. He is founder and pastor of Without Walls Church in Tampa, Florida. She is on television all the time. They are a handsome couple who give the appearance of having it all together. But now the truth comes out. They do not have it all together. In fact, they are falling apart.

Their divorce announcement is not so shocking in light of some other facts. Although they co-pastor the church in Tampa, Mrs White keeps homes in New York City, San Antonio, Texas and California. And although he is married, Mr White has been seen publicly with women who are not his wife. And now we learn that both of them, Mr and Mrs White, have been married before. Now that they have failed marriage number 2 (for each of them), does that make them more likely to divorce again (and again)?

This article is not intended to be a condemnation of televangelists (although the Whites certainly give us a lot of material in the area), nor do I intend to pass judgment on who is right or wrong (although it seems that there is a lot of wrong and not very much right in this situation). I am tempted to write about the need for accountability and discipline where two people seem to think that they can do whatever they want. But instead of being negative, I want to offer hope.

I believe that there are certain steps that every married couple can take to avoid the problems that have plagued the Whites and so many others. Every marriage can be saved if both parties in the marriage will take their vows seriously.

1. Make decisions to not be tempted, to not succumb to temptation and to be faithful, before temptations come. Although this seems terribly naive, it can have a powerful preventive effect. I know before passion begins that there is no future in it. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, after all.
2. Every couple who gets married should believe the vows that they speak. Although commitment is very difficult, if you promise to stay married until you die, you should stay married until you die. There are definitely times when getting out of a marriage would be easier, but a commitment before God is a commitment before God.
3. Follow God's Word. The Bible is very clear at this point. Divorce is sin. Do what God tells you to do. Maintaining your marriage and being faithful in it is a simple act of obedience.
4. Never spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not related to you. Sin cannot happen if you give no place to temptation. Take precautions to prevent temptation. There are enough temptations in this world without looking for them.
5. Confess to your spouse when you are tempted. I do this on a regular basis. I let my wife know when I encounter an attractive woman. In this way I am not keeping secrets from her. My temptations, my faults, become a little more public. I become a little more accountable, and a lot less likely to stumble.
6. Make yourself unavailable for members of the opposite sex. What I mean is, let it be known to your friends, your co-workers and others that you are not interested in any extra-marital activities. I regularly tell my congregation how much I love my wife. In this way I let everyone know that I want to maintain my marriage.
7. Outline rules for arguing within your marriage. Every couple deals with disagreements. You cannot pretend that you do not argue. But you can set up some ground rules for 'fair play' in your fights. For example, my wife and I are so committed to our marriage that we can never threaten to divorce in the heat of a disagreement. We don't mean it, so we won't say it.
8. Put your partner first. Always be sensitive to the needs, desires and hurts of your spouse. His/her life and success should be more important to you than your own.

None of these are a guarantee for the happiness of your marriage, but these steps will help to maintain health and longevity. These things would not have hurt the Whites.