Things my Dad Says

My Dad is better than yours. And to prove it, I offer the following life-lessons. This is wisdom from the lips of Dewey L Miller, Sr.

• That smells like money! (upon approaching a particularly pungent hog farm)
• I bet that suit cost him a pretty penny! (upon seeing this weeks outfit on the Porter Wagoner Show)
• This is the standingest one church I have ever been to! (upon attending any congregation that asks you to stand, even once)

So now you have a little insight into how I have developed my rather complicated life philosophy.

New Year's Resolution 2011

A few weeks ago my cousin died. Monica was the same age as me. We were never very close, but we were together at all family functions because she was the closest in age to me of all the cousins. Her death caught me by surprise. To begin with, she was much too young to die. Not only that, the cancer seemed to come out of nowhere and suddenly, at least to me. Although I rarely saw Monica in the past several years, I was deeply saddened by her passing.

The reason I rarely saw Monica was because I made that choice. I have become absorbed with my own life and busy-ness. I know that my hectic lifestyle is generally positive for everyone. I am involved in doing good things- God things- for and with people. But it seems that sometimes I am too busy.

So when I got to Monica's funeral, I was a little nervous. Its a big family. My father is one of six children and they all had multiple children. And I hadn't seen any of them in a long time. I was worried that someone would be upset with me because I had not been around for a long time. I thought, "Maybe they think that I think I am too good for them." I didn't need to worry. All of my family members were gracious, loving, understanding and genuinely glad to see me. That is why I have made this resolution:

During 2011 I will spend as much time with my family as possible.

Distance and schedule will place limits on this, but as far as I am able I will attend reunions, holidays, graduations, picnics, concerts, ballgames and school programs.

Family is too important to take for granted. I have a pretty good one and I'm going to take advantage of it.

The Family Lists: The Family of God

…that we might receive the adoption as sons.
And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, “Abba, Father!” Galatians 4.5-6

Here is something to always remember. You are a child of God. He has adopted you and included you in his family. You are no longer a part of the world. You are in a new family with all the rights and privileges that this family enjoys.

• We are children of the Creator of the universe. I love my Dad. He is the greatest man on earth. But, that is nothing compared to being a child of God. I am a son of God.
• We are brothers and sisters of Christ himself. Our relationship with the Messiah can be greatly enhanced by understanding that in a very real way, we are connected to him as family.
• We are brothers and sisters of one another. It seems like a quaint idea from a simpler time to call other church members Brother Smith or Sister Jones. But what a great reminder of our relationships.
• I have a whole church full of family members. The people that I worship with are advocates for me. They love me. They defend and protect me. They take care of me and my family.

Being a part of that church family comes with responsibilities as well.

• I must look out for others who are a part of the family. I must work to protect and defend them always.
• I must help to correct and guide them, but always in a loving and godly way.
• I must share with those who are a part of the family. That means that I will share material, advice, nurture and prayer.

One more thing: My “family of God” is not limited to the Christian people of my local congregation. I have brothers and sisters around the world. I know some from Africa, from Asia, from Europe. They are everywhere. It is a wonderful, great, huge family. You should appreciate this family and take advantage it. It was Bill Gaither who said, “I’m so glad I’m a part of the Family of God.”

The Family Lists: Marriage

Several years ago, as I was teaching United Methodist Pastors in Uganda, some of the pastors asked about family relationships, and especially marriage. I have always felt as though my marriage was the second most important commitment in my life (the first being my commitment to Christ). The questions caused me to begin to systematize my thinking about some specific marriage pointers. Through the ensuing years the list has changed, and I am sure that it will continue to evolve and develop, but here is what my marriage list looks like today. I call it the “steps to affair-proof your marriage.”

· Always follow God’s law. This is almost too obvious. If we do what God says, we will not have problems with fidelity.

· Always keep all of your promises. When a person gets married they promise things like, “keep only unto,” and “cleave only.” If you keep your promises, you will remain faithful.

· Never be alone with a person of the opposite sex in a tempting situation. Let there never be an opportunity for temptation to take root in your life. Avoid everything that has the potential for danger.

· Confess all temptation to your spouse. When you have a tempting encounter, do not let that temptation grow in secret. Share it. Be honest. The temptation will be less when you are not harboring it in private.

· Make yourself unavailable to the opposite sex. Make sure that everyone in your circle of acquaintance and influence is aware that you are completely off-limits. Announce to others and make it clear that you are happily married. Do it often. Remind others- and yourself- that you are not in the market for anyone else.

· Make rules for when you argue with your spouse. There should be limits to your anger and upset. Do not say things that you do not mean. Do not intentionally hurt your spouse. And then, when you have made the rules, be sure to live by them.

• Always put your partner first. Be willing to compromise in conflict. Be the first to apologize in a time of hurt. Advance the needs and desires of your spouse above your own.

The Family Lists: Parents

Fathers, do not provoke your children. Ephesians 6.4

We parents, and I assume that most of you reading this are parents, tend to think of the Bible as a pro-parent book. We like to emphasize the passages about honoring parents, respecting elders and obeying those in authority. All of those concepts are important in the Bible, but that is not the whole story. The Bible also talks (a lot) about the responsibilities and concerns that parents are to show to their children.

My prejudice is that parenting is the most important job that most of us will ever do. In fact, I have always rejected the idea that I ever “baby sit” my own children. I never baby sit. I parent. The Bible provides a lot of help for parents, if we want to listen to God’s word, and if we want to be serious about our parenting.

Biblical suggestions for parents:

• Parents are not to provoke their children (Ep. 6.4). Sometimes we do it in anger, sometimes because we are not thinking, but it is never appropriate to purposely agitate or aggravate your children. Parents are to be positive and uplifting for their kids.
• Parents are to teach and train their children (Ep. 6.4). Do not fall into the trap of believing that you send your children to school for education. You are your child’s primary teacher in all things.
• Parents should care for the needs of their children (2 Corinthians 12.14). Do not forget your responsibility to feed and clothe your children, as well as provide for their health, their well-being, their future and more. Being a parent never ends.
• Parents love their children without condition. Remember that Mary, Jesus’ mother followed him around everywhere. At times it had to be uncomfortable, embarrassing, or even dangerous. But even when he was executed as a criminal Mary stood by loving him. We need to love our children even when they make bad choices and disappoint us, just like Mary.
• Parents must be responsible for the Christian nurture, education and discipleship of their children (Deuteronomy 6.7). We must never buy the lie that children should choose for themselves. We must teach our children to follow God by word and example. We must accompany them to worship. We must encourage them to participate in church youth groups and Sunday school classes.
  

This list could go on indefinitely. We will stop here, however, with an admonition to commit yourself and your children to the Lord. It does not matter how old or young they are, your children need to have a strong relationship with you and with Jesus. Pray for them daily. Share your love regularly. Never forget your most important task.

The Family Lists: Siblings

The relationships between brothers and sisters are tricky for most humans. We are connected by blood, by proximity, by parents, and often by little else. We know we are to love and respect each other. We feel a responsibility to defend and protect, but we often view siblings as adversaries, competitors in a familial Olympics of sorts. But we are put in families with brothers. We have sisters. Shouldn’t we relate to them in positive ways?

To further complicate these issues, we have an image of the church as a family. That means that for most of us, we think of our fellow church goers as brothers and sisters in Christ. (This was intimidating for me as a young boy. There were people in our church who were called Brother Grim and Sister Thrillkill.) So, how should we relate to one another? Can we get along?

• Those who do the will of God are brothers and sisters of Christ (Matthew 12.50). If we are united in doing what God calls us to do, we are family- in the best possible way.
• We are responsible for the well-being- physical, emotional and spiritual- of our brothers and sister. When God asked Cain about his brother, Abel, he did not have a good answer. His response was to pretend not to know Abel’s whereabouts (Genesis 4.9). Obviously, God’s will is that we take care of one another.
• We are to love our brothers and sisters. The Great Commandment in the Scripture is that we are to love our neighbors (also known as the “Golden Rule”). Certainly family members and church members qualify as our neighbors. Love everyone (Matthew 19.19).
• Put the interests and well-being of your siblings ahead of your own (Philippians 2.3). We can celebrate the victories of those we love and support.

Many of us have been blessed by God with brothers and sisters. All of us have the benefit of a church family. How great life will be when all these relationships are in line with God’s plan for our lives. Join me in being the best brother (or sister) that you can be whether familial or spiritual.

Wild Things and Mild Things

I recently saw "Where the Wild Things Are," finally. It was a Sunday afternoon matinee in a bargain theatre. The surroundings and atmosphere were not ideal, but I was ready for a film that I had been wanting to see for a long time.

I had further complications because I had already had a negative review from a good friend. She said that the movie was not as good as the movie. (I have yet to see a movie that lived up to the book it was based upon.) I had a deep desire to see the film, but I was apprehensive.

I was not disappointed. This is the best movie I've seen so far this year, and I am fairly certain it will make my year-end best of list. The question of whether or not this movie is better than the book is relatively moot. The film is only based upon Maurice Sendak's classic children's book. It is a completely different story. The characters are familiar. Max, a small boy, gets in trouble with his busy mom. She has a man over for dinner and does not have time for her son's shenanigans. An over-excited Max gets sent to his room, but instead makes a run for it. Max finds a boat, hops aboard and his adventure begins.

When Max arrives at the land where all the creatures live it is a revelation for the viewer. It is not cartoon-ish and story-book like. It seems like a completely realistic world with wild things who are more realistic than any puppet/muppet/ animatronic thing we have seen to date. Each wild thing has his own personality and name. They are not generic filler, or extras, in this movie. The Wild Things are intricately involved and intrinsic to the plot.

In one sense the Wild Things serve as playmates for Max. They are peers for Max. The island is filled with 8-year olds, it just so happens that some of them are giant, scary-looking monsters. But everyone is sweet, gentle reminder of the humanity of all of us.

While watching Where the Wild Things Are I was struck by several things.

• All of us has an 8-year old somewhere inside of us. I wanted to go play with the wild things. I wanted to sleep in a "big pile." I longed to get to know the real KW. I wanted to have Max's group of friends.
• Sometimes the greatest idea has tragedy as its inevitable end. As soon as Max recommended the dirt clod game, we knew that someone would get hurt. Someone was going to get angry. Someone would go home mad.
• There is a bully in every crowd. Carol is a sweet, lovable creature who bullies others to get his way. In fact, he may be a racist. Either way, he is not all that he seems. There are always people who feel that they have to get their own way. We have to learn how to deal with difficult people.
• Mom is always there and she loves us. The enduring story of the book and the movie is that in all our alone-ness, in all our running away for difficult circumstances, in every way we try to take care of our own problems, someone (Mom? God?) loves us and will make sure that everything turns out alright.

Go see this movie. Right now. Why are you still reading this. You should be on your way to the theatre.

The Family Lists: Husbands

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. Ephesians 5.25

Although sometimes I believe that we do a disservice to the idea of family by exalting a cultural definition of it as a biblical norm, there can be no doubt that families are important to the development, growth and stability of individuals, groups and societies in the world. We learn how to behave, cooperate and grow in the context of a family. Therefore, whether my particular family group is “normal” or “dysfunctional,” my family is the most important group in my life. And if that is true, I (and you as well) ought to have an idea what the Bible says about how family members should get along with one another. To that end, I offer a series of lists- The Family Lists. And because I know the role of husband as well as any of them, I start there.

Biblical suggestions for husbands:

• Husbands are to love their wives (Ep. 5.25). Wives are not to be taken for granted, but are to be cherished, respected and cared for. In fact, the love of a husband for his wife should be similar to the love of Christ for the church. Would you die for your wife?
• Husbands are to support and build their wives (Ep. 5.26-27). Husbands should be making their wives better people. Celebrate with your wife. Encourage her. Be her greatest cheerleader.
• Husbands are to love their wives like they love themselves (Ep. 5.28-29). Take care of your wife like you take care of your own grooming, appearance, health and exercise.
• Husbands should love their wives more than anything else. You should exalt your wife over your parents and their family, your job, your car, home or anything else.
• Husbands should not be bitter or resentful to their wives (Colossians 3.19). It is easy to blame someone else for everything that goes wrong. Do not do it. Take responsibility for yourself and be kind to your wife.
• Husbands are to be careful about how they handle their family (1 Timothy 3.12). Do not let your role in the family lead to an embarrassment from other members of the family.
• Husbands are to be spiritual leaders in the family (1 Corinthians 14.35). Do not take this responsibility lightly. There is nothing feminine about being a spiritual example for your children, your spouse, for others. Be careful to always do what God asks. To this end…
  o Be an example in prayer.
  o Be diligent in worship.
  o Let your family see you study the Bible.
  o Encourage faithfulness to God among all members of the family.

Husbands have a difficult and important role to fulfill. It is not a job for the uncommitted or haphazard. This is a task for strong men of character who long to fulfill God’s purposes.

Flash of Insanity?

The film, Flash of Genius was missed by many last year when it made the rounds to theatres. It is not a powerful dramatic film. There are no car chases, fight scenes or action sequences. It contains very little "adult" language. There is no nudity, sex or drug use. There are no high powered Hollywood stars. It is not a romance, comedy or romantic comedy. There is little here to argue for commercial success. However, Flash of Genius is a very good film.

Greg Kinnear stars as Robert Kearns, an engineering professor who has the idea, and then develops the intermittent windshield wiper. He tries to sell it to the Ford Motor Company, but they steal it. The bulk of the film deals with everything that Kearns lost as a result of Ford's theft- dignity, marriage, family, job, career, home, sanity (the list could go on). In one sense this is a very sad movie. A good man lost everything that he had ever held dear.

In another sense, this is a great triumph.

• Although Kearns lost the respect of children he never gave up on them, or having a relationship with them. And although he ultimately lost his marriage, he always hoped to save or rescue that relationship. He was deeply committed to his family. When he finally gets his day in court, we are glad to see that all his children have joined is ad hoc legal team. They are all in this together. When Ford sends a representative to the Kearns home on the night before the verdict and offers $30 million to settle the case, there is very little interest in anyone in the family. They stick together. The importance of family is a great lesson in Flash of Genius.
• Another triumph of this film is the importance of personal dignity and integrity. Our culture would have us believe that anything is okay if it leads to money, or an easy life, or advancement in the world. Robert Kearns rejects that idea. He is almost as corny as a traditional American superhero. He stands for truth, justice and the American way. A large settlement is less important to Kearns than the recognition that he was the inventor and that Ford stole his idea. For a moment I wanted him to compromise his convictions and take the money, but then I realized that it is much better to be principled than to be rich.

Flash of Genius is not everyone, but it is definitely worth watching.

Four Christmases for Christmas

Let me begin by saying that Four Christmases is not the worst Christmas movie ever made. However, it certainly does not get into the upper half in terms of quality either. It is filled with pretty people doing silly things that are sometimes amusing. There are mishaps all around, everyone gets to spend the holiday together (whether they want to or not), and by the end a lesson is learned. It will not spoil the movie one whit if I reveal that everyone lives happily ever after. That's what's supposed to happen in Christmas movies, after all.

The film is not lacking for star power. In fact, there are rarely movies made with this many Oscar and Tony winning actors. Every scene reveals a new superstar.

The story centers around Reese Witherspoon as Kate, and Vince Vaughn as Brad. Kate and Brad are two very successful and good looking people who have worked very hard to have fun in life and to meet their own needs. Each year, rather than facing their dreaded families, they plan a vacation together. That is until this Christmas. This year the airport was fogged in and they couldn't leave. They were going to be stuck having Christmas with all four parents- in four different homes.

First there is Robert Duvall as Brad's father. If you can imagine a redneck family, this is where Brad came from. His two brothers are ultimate fighters and take great pleasure in beating up and humiliating Brad. They are jealous of his success, but no one seems to see this and they all are miserable.

Then Brad and Kate move on to Kate's mother's house. Mary Steenburgen has this role. She is self-absorbed and currently infatuated with her pastor. Kate has to endure one embarrassment after another at the hands of her family. Kate and Brad wind up playing parts in the church's nativity play which only bothers Kate more.

Next they move on to Brad's mother, played by Sissy Spacek. She is a new-age airhead who has taken up with Brad's best friend from high school. Brad is appropriately repulsed by their relationship and all their efforts to seem "normal."

Finally, they move to Kate's father's home on Christmas night. Kate's father, played by Jon Voight, seems to be the only normal relative in the family. He is calm, sensible and has even included his ex-wife and Pastor Phil to the celebration.

It is hard to believe that all this could happen in one day, but it is a movie after all. Things do not have to be realistic. But here is the real issue for me. Kate and Brad are so embarrassed by their families that they completely reject them emotionally. They do not want to spend time with them, nor be influenced by them. In the process, they miss out on many of the positive aspects of family life.

Many people I know are just like this. They want to run away from their homes, their families, their backgrounds. They want to invent new "cool" identities so they will not be saddled with the humiliation that is family.

Here is my suggestion. Rather than be embarrassed by and reject your family we all should embrace and redeem our families. There are good things in each family member. Let's focus on those. And even if there are not good things in our families, we should work toward creating good in them. And that's not a bad plan for this Christmas.

Why being a pastor is not my most important job

If you have spent very much time with me at all, you know some of my priorities. One of those is learning what God has put you on earth to do, and then making sure that you do it. I think that there is at least one thing that every person is called to do. For me there is more than one. (There is probably more than one for you too.) God has called me to be a pastor. As a consequence of that I am supposed to teach the Bible, renew worship and raise up leaders. You have heard all of these things from me before. But long before I was called to be a Pastor, I had another calling, one that I believe to be more important.
I am called to be a husband to Shannon and a father to Molly. I remember telling someone when I was a child that I wanted to be a daddy when I grew up. I am sure that part of this was because I thought- and still think- that my Dad is pretty cool. But I think that it is deeper than that. God was calling me to be a father. Now, I believe that the only way I can be a good and godly father is in the context of a godly marriage. That means that I must be a husband to be a father. Therefore, my most important job is to be a husband and father.
Look at it this way, if I cannot be a good father, how can I be a good Pastor. If I cannot be faithful and loving to my wife, how can I in good conscience be faithful and loving to the church, the Bride of Christ? But more importantly, I believe that if I were not a pastor, if I were not involved in vocational ministry, my most important commitment is to my family. To this end, I try to always make it clear to my congregation that my family comes first. I will love the church. I will serve the church. I will give the church all my energy and commitment, but I will not lose my family for it. That would not be God’s will for my life, or anyone’s for that matter.
The great thing about this calling is that my fatherhood and my family do not have to be limited. Wherever I have lived and ministered there have been young people who have become ‘my kids.’ They are not the same as Molly to me, but they are very important. Whether they know it or not, I have become like a father to them. In fact, most of these persons would probably acknowledge me as at least a spiritual father. And even today my family is growing.
Several years ago God led me to a verse that has become my ‘life verse.’ Acts 21.9 is easy to overlook. I don’t know how many times I read it before it hit me. The passage refers to Philip the Evangelist. Verse 9 says that Philip ‘had four virgin daughters who prophesied.’ That is my calling, my most important job. I am to be a father to people who desire to live holy and missional lives. Are you one of those people? More importantly, have you found what God has as your most important job?